When I heard that this week’s theme was “sexuality”, I was excited. I have to admit, the themes of the week are beginning to appeal to me more and more. At the beginning I was a little lost with individuality, theatricality and then vulnerability... It took my system a long time to wake up and smell the coffee. I was so pigeon-holed into a certain type of performing that it was a shock to my system to realize that TV was totally different. Sexuality excited me, because I am totally comfortable with my sexuality, and I could not wait to show that in my performances throughout the week. I had a blast this week, and after “tenacity” I felt like I was gaining momentum in the competition for the first time.
The homework assignment was CRAZY!!I mean, "Like a virgin?"... really?? Hahaha... It was hilarious... It was a huge, sexy, performance, everybody really went for it, and I think it’s safe to say that we all had a laugh. Throwing jackets off, on top of a piano??... Where else do you get to do that????? HA!!!
“Teenage Dream” was my favourite shoot so far. I love the song, loved recording it in the studio, and got great feedback from Nikki, which is always a good thing!! The shoot itself was intense, but it was definitely the most comfortable I have felt. I feel like Lindsay and I just clicked. We do have great chemistry on a day-to-day basis, so it wasn't hard to use that in the shoot. I certainly felt part of it was not really acting! We always have a laugh. Lindsay is incredible. She is SUPER talented, and ended up being one of the nicest people I have ever met. At the beginning I think she was misunderstood by a lot of us, but as the weeks go by, everybody calms down, and our personalities really shine through when we are together. By this stage, we all know when to leave somebody alone if they are annoyed or upset. We know each other’s boundaries. So the real Lindsay is shining through now, and it’s a bright light. I am really the only one with the courage to really annoy her... and trust me, I succeed. She would go hours without talking to me... Hahaha!!! But we have a great understanding of each other.
Being in the bottom three was a huge, huge blow. As I said, I felt like I was gaining momentum, and I won't lie, for the first time, I thought I had done enough to not be there. Out of all of the bottom threes I have been in, for me, this is the one that I would appeal against. I genuinely thought I had done enough to scrape through. So that made it an even harder blow to take. When you take the time to sit down and think about it, it’s soul-destroying to know that sometimes your best just isn't enough. So the best thing to do is get back up and fight. I want to get better, I want to improve. I have a short space of time to do it if I want to win this show, but I will try. But so far, for me, this was the hardest moment.
I absolutely agreed with the judges when they said I didn't connect to the song they assigned me. The most ironic thing about this situation was that “Danny Boy” is literally a song I have sung hundreds and hundreds of times. But it was the weirdest sensation ever. I felt like I had no control over anything. I can’t quite put it into words, but that was not me performing. I felt tired, bored, and I wasn't even nervous. Looking back, it just wasn't me. The craziest thing is, an hour before that, Nikki was crying when I sung it to her... and then it just disappeared, whatever spark I brought to the song when I sang it for her was gone.
This week taught me that you can't do anything by yourself. I am a huge believer in my faith and during this competition I did not stop praying -- to loved ones, to God, Mary... the list goes on. And they pulled off a miracle for me. There is no doubt about it. This was not a fluke.
Cameron quitting was not nice. At all. I think it was one of the worst nights in my life. In my head, knowing that Ryan was willing to send me home, made me feel sick and it made me doubt myself. The fact that I am still in this show is due to the fact that Cameron quit. Let’s just say it ain’t the way I would have chosen. Cameron was my best friend, my big brother. We have an amazing friendship. We just have this understanding. We are both on the same page, and in many ways we are similar, though in many ways we are so different.
Cameron is just a star. If I was a betting man, after seeing the “Firework” video, I would have put my life saving’s on Cameron winning the show. And to be honest, the only reason he didn't was because of what he did. For that I respect him so much. He is his own man, wants to do his own thing, and he will be one of the biggest artists ever. I predict, for him, it will probably be the best move he has ever made.
For me, I have to find a way to lift myself for next week. My head is not in a good place. This is the biggest test I will ever face... but bring it on. I am a fighter, I am still here, in the top 5... and I am going to do my best to win this thing. Not just for me, but for Cam.
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